The Hate of My Life

So this post most likely won't have a snapshot... Eh... life happens...

Once a month something glorious happens. Something beautiful, spectacular, comforting, surprising, and wondrous. It consists of the shedding of the upper layer of the endometrium of the uterine lining as a result of an egg not being fertilized. For those who haven't taken anatomy and physiology, this is also know as a "period."

What's so glorious about it? Well... it can get you out of things you don't want to do. "Mom I'm on my period. Therefore I have cramps, therefore I can't do the dishes." or "Sorry boyfriend but I just started my period and I'm just no up for watching the game, how about a chick flick?" This, and this reason alone, is the only thing that causes this monthly cycle to be glorious.

(Pride and Prejudice anyone?)

Now to the next adjective: beautiful. Well uh... it's beautiful when.... the timing of it is perfect. Like just as you get home from vacation the river starts a flowin' instead of while in the car with humans of an xy chromosome combination who can't possibly understand the need of so many rest stops. I mean shoot, they'd rather just go in a bottle if it shaves off some time!

(Two miles?! I haven't got two minutes before this gets thoroughly embarrassing!)

Spectacular. For me at least I find it rather spectacular that I can gorge myself on sweets and when people give me the look of disgust all I have to say in response is "It's my time of the month..." and they immediately just accept it with a look of relief on their faces. (Be careful if you are lying about this to make yourself look like less of a fatty. You must be certain that the people you say this to haven't heard you say the same thing two weeks earlier...)

(Sure Babe can pull it off, but I can't...)

Comforting... The only comforting thing that I can say about this gift from Mother Nature is that it lets you know that you are supposedly capable of bearing children. Wait a second... How on earth is that comforting?! A child making camp in one of my organs, stealing sugar from my blood, stealing my oxygen, resting atop my bladder resulting in me having the constant urge to urinate, stretching out my skin and adding pounds of unwanted weight and then proceeding down the vaginal canal, by means of vaginal contractions, stretching of my cervix and then sliding out from a very unpleasant location that no one should be looking at, oh and then crying. Really you're crying right now? You've done absolutely nothing for the past nine months and definitely only caused pain during these last twelve hours of labor, and yet YOU'RE crying?! How does that make sense?! BUT for some people this is a comforting thing to know, that they one day can embark on such a wonderful adventure known as child birth.

(I don't drink, but I found this rather humorous...)

I used surprising not only because there are many times where this guest comes unexpectedly, but also surprising because I use tampons that surprisingly enough have little fortunes on them. Don't believe me? Well here you go:

Believe me now? I'm not sure who on earth ever had this "genius" idea to try and make periods more enjoyable, but hey it does give me a pretty good laugh sometimes.

The last descriptive word was wondrous. This word is used only in the fact that it is a wondrous feeling to wake up and start your period solely because it explains why you've been so short tempered, why you've been craving things like no other, and eating twice as much as normal and yet still wanting more. It means that you're not turning into an alien that will destroy the world by it's cruel words, flood of unexplainable tears, and unsatisfiable hunger.

Okay so I've tried to be optimistic as I sit in an awkward position in my chair trying the alleviate some pain of the womanly cramps I am currently experiencing, but it is now coming to an end. If this is a gift from Mother Nature, she surely must have a cruel sense of humor. Or maybe she just despises me and wants to make me miserable. Like the cool, popular girl that wants to ruin everyone's life and embarrass them the best that she can to make herself better. Or maybe she's simply lashing out on me because someone else gave her such a gift. Well whomever started this vicious cycle of gifts, I hope that you feel my loathing once a month as I miserably scour the house for Midol.

(Whoever said diamonds were a girl's best friend, was severely mistaken...)